when the answer is no.

Trent and I are in a time of major transition.
We were just starting to feel settled. Settled into our new (temporary) home at the seminary, settled into a new job, and settled into this whole married thing. Well if there is one thing that life has taught me so far, it's that settled feelings don't stay for long, and that's ok. And sure enough, things are changing. We have both agreed together that seminary is not the place for us right now. Not an easy choice, but one that felt so right for both of us. That being said, we need to make some huge changes. Trent is now looking, very fervently, for a job. We also are aware that we will need to find a new home within the next couple of months. It's hard because we can't know where we should live until we know where Trent will be working. Ah, the tricky cycles of life.
There was one job (among the literally dozens he has applied for) that he really wanted. Actually, we both really wanted it. I honestly was feeling like it was the job for him, for us. Everything about it seemed perfect for us, so we waited patiently through the Holidays to hear a word about it, one way or the other. Today we heard, it is a no. This was a hard email to recieve. Not just because the answer was no from the church that Trent applied at, but because I could feel God, in answer to our many prayers, saying, "No".
It is never a good feeling when God answers a prayer with, "No". All I can do is question and wonder and sit in confusion. Why God? Why did this seem so perfect? Why are you making us even more baffled now about where we should be? As I have asked God these questions, I have realized that it doesn't matter. I don't need to know why God said no.
God is so full of grace and has given us so much. So instead of feeling frustrated, I am going to do my best to be thankful. Thankful for what we have the and the beautiful beginnings to our married life. Thankful that I have a God who sticks with us, even closer in these uncertain times.
It is never fun or easy when the answer is no, but God has his reasons, and for this, I am thankful. We will keep searching and praying. We will explore our options. We will find our place. And through it, we will be thankful.

today

I woke up this morning sick. But even worse, I woke up bitter. I was bitter because this is the second time in two weeks that I have, what seems like, the very same virus. I woke up bitter because I am sick of doing nothing, getting off track with my workouts, and eating a few crackers in a day. I woke up bitter because it is too cold and snowy to sit on my front porch with a cup of hot tea. I spent the majority of my day lying on the couch watching reruns on my laptop, taking my temperature, holding this fever against my body. Why can't I have a better immune system? Why can't I do what I had planned for this day? After I had wasted half my day from being annoyed and bitter I realized something. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to lie here in pajamas and greasy hair. I got up and showered, blow-dried my hair, and put on normal clothes. I went downstairs and put in a load of laundry and then did some dishes. And as I was washing dishes, something amazing happened. The subtle hint of coconut in the dish soap brought me back to that week in August when I drank piña coladas under the Mexican sun, my honeymoon. In that sacred moment, the day became beautiful. I was reminded of the blessing that awkward, beautiful, exciting week was and what it represented. I am married to my best friend. Trent is the greatest gift that I have been given and no matter what happens, I am blessed beyond words. After this realization, while standing at the sink with hot water running over my hands, I was content. I then realized the sun that was beginning to shine through the glistening snowflakes. God's grace brought me this moment and this realization. So although I am still sick, I am happy. Today is a gift no matter what I do. Thank you Lord for coconut, sunshine, my dear best friend and husband, and your grace that reminded me of how blessed I truly am.

heart

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate
for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

ee cummings

25 days.

25 until I am a wife. This is possibly the craziest thing that has ever happened. I can hardly believe that in less than four short weeks I will be Kelly Elders and will be forming a new family with Trent. It's pretty amazing - the way that God created us. Since I was a little girl I have played "house" and dreamed of having my own place with the man I love. I knew he was out there but for years there was just a blurry cloud where his face was.
As soon as I met Trent I knew something amazing was coming. You can ask my close friends, this guy was different. There wasn't necessarily anything profound at first, just a feeling. But as I got to know him, I came to find that Trent was the sweetest, most caring, curious, eager, and loving individual that I had come across. I think I figured out pretty early on that Trent was the man that God had created for me.
Wow. What a lucky woman I am. What an incredible man. I feel so unbelievably blessed to be marrying my best friend. And I can hardly believe that it is happening so soon.
I can only hope and pray that Trent and I love and serve each other to the best of our abilities and that we always find our joy in the Lord.
I love you Trenton, and I can't wait to be yours, in 25 days.

hot beverages

Mmm, there is nothing better than hot beverages. Anything from hot tea to apple cider; from cocoa to coffee. What is it about a hot beverage that makes it so much more charming than a cold one? Even as I write this I'm drinking cranberry apple tea and it is warming me, and in more than just a physical sense. This may sound a little crazy, but it is things like hot beverages that bring me comfort. I am one of those people who loves rainy days, fuzzy blankets, and crackling candle-light. I love reading long romantic books and getting up early just to enjoy the cool morning. There is obviously nothing wrong with this but lately I've realized that those moments of my day, the "ideal" moments where I am curled up drinking tea and reading, are the moments that satisfy me and keep me going. To get through long days I allow myself little breaks. Moments where I can enjoy whatever I want. But I've come to realize I'm leaving something out.

Along with these moments are parts of my day that I dread but I force myself to do. exercising is one of these things. If I don't do it first thing in the morning I won't do it at all, so lately I'll drag myself out of bed and go for a run. It is definitely satisfying afterwards, but I rarely look forward to it before. I think I have put devotions into this category for me. If I don't force myself to do them, I won't. If I'm not very intentional about it, I will pick up Jane Eyre and a cup of coffee instead.
How ridiculous is it that those romantic little moments that I mentioned, that I live for and look forward to each day, are pulling me away from the one true satisfying thing? This is a busy summer for me and a time of HUGE changes. Why can't I turn to the one thing that will always still constant and continue to fulfill me no matter what?
I want to push through this patch and make my time with God even more idolized in my life than my good books and hot beverages. I need to seek out him first and foremost and the rest of my days will fall into place.
Hot beverages are wonderful, but tonight, with my tea and candle-light, I am going to spend some time with my God.

old friends. the best.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one" - C.S. Lewis

There is only one thing greater than sharing a good evening with friends and that is sharing a good evening with old friends. What a blessing it is to reunite after years apart and realize that although we're changing and growing, we're still very much the same. What a charity to find people in this sea of humans surrounding us, that are so much like ourselves and can share our pains and joys because they feel the same things we feel. What a gift to look into a friends eyes and know exactly what she is thinking or feeling because you've felt it too. What a joy to say nothing at all or to talk until your throat is sore, but either way connecting. I love my dear old friends. They've known me forever and still love me. They've seen me grow and still understand my heart.

So to you, dear friends, welcome back. Welcome back into my life. I love sharing my thoughts and feelings and my cares and concerns. I love sharing laughter, oh so much laughter. I promise you that no matter where we end up, or if we go years without being together again, I will always love you, care about you, and pray for you. I know that you will do amazing things, and I can't wait to see you take on this crazy world.

You bless me more than you know.
So thankful for you,
kelly.

a year, just the beginning of eternity

It's now been a year since the passing of my dear Grandpa Zwiep. He was truly a man of God. It was amazing to see, after he died, all of the people who he had impacted. At each visitation and at the funeral the rooms were overflowing with people. People who were there to support those of us who lost our dear grandpa, father, brother, or husband, and those who were there to mourn with us. But looking back on this year, and the way that God has worked in all of our lives, especially my Grandma's, I cannot help but sing praise to the Father in Heaven. Since I'm on this grace kick, I have seen the ultimate grace that was shown through my Grandpa's death. Grandpa went to Heaven to be with Jesus, his Lord, and there is no greater love or measure of grace than that. And now I am thinking of him, one year after seeing him in person for the last time, picturing him worshipping at the feet of his Father. What a beautiful picture to have. I will always miss him, and selfishly wish he could still be here with me, but I am so happy for him that he is no longer sick or in pain, but living forever in the presence of his King.