when the answer is no.

Trent and I are in a time of major transition.
We were just starting to feel settled. Settled into our new (temporary) home at the seminary, settled into a new job, and settled into this whole married thing. Well if there is one thing that life has taught me so far, it's that settled feelings don't stay for long, and that's ok. And sure enough, things are changing. We have both agreed together that seminary is not the place for us right now. Not an easy choice, but one that felt so right for both of us. That being said, we need to make some huge changes. Trent is now looking, very fervently, for a job. We also are aware that we will need to find a new home within the next couple of months. It's hard because we can't know where we should live until we know where Trent will be working. Ah, the tricky cycles of life.
There was one job (among the literally dozens he has applied for) that he really wanted. Actually, we both really wanted it. I honestly was feeling like it was the job for him, for us. Everything about it seemed perfect for us, so we waited patiently through the Holidays to hear a word about it, one way or the other. Today we heard, it is a no. This was a hard email to recieve. Not just because the answer was no from the church that Trent applied at, but because I could feel God, in answer to our many prayers, saying, "No".
It is never a good feeling when God answers a prayer with, "No". All I can do is question and wonder and sit in confusion. Why God? Why did this seem so perfect? Why are you making us even more baffled now about where we should be? As I have asked God these questions, I have realized that it doesn't matter. I don't need to know why God said no.
God is so full of grace and has given us so much. So instead of feeling frustrated, I am going to do my best to be thankful. Thankful for what we have the and the beautiful beginnings to our married life. Thankful that I have a God who sticks with us, even closer in these uncertain times.
It is never fun or easy when the answer is no, but God has his reasons, and for this, I am thankful. We will keep searching and praying. We will explore our options. We will find our place. And through it, we will be thankful.

today

I woke up this morning sick. But even worse, I woke up bitter. I was bitter because this is the second time in two weeks that I have, what seems like, the very same virus. I woke up bitter because I am sick of doing nothing, getting off track with my workouts, and eating a few crackers in a day. I woke up bitter because it is too cold and snowy to sit on my front porch with a cup of hot tea. I spent the majority of my day lying on the couch watching reruns on my laptop, taking my temperature, holding this fever against my body. Why can't I have a better immune system? Why can't I do what I had planned for this day? After I had wasted half my day from being annoyed and bitter I realized something. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to lie here in pajamas and greasy hair. I got up and showered, blow-dried my hair, and put on normal clothes. I went downstairs and put in a load of laundry and then did some dishes. And as I was washing dishes, something amazing happened. The subtle hint of coconut in the dish soap brought me back to that week in August when I drank piña coladas under the Mexican sun, my honeymoon. In that sacred moment, the day became beautiful. I was reminded of the blessing that awkward, beautiful, exciting week was and what it represented. I am married to my best friend. Trent is the greatest gift that I have been given and no matter what happens, I am blessed beyond words. After this realization, while standing at the sink with hot water running over my hands, I was content. I then realized the sun that was beginning to shine through the glistening snowflakes. God's grace brought me this moment and this realization. So although I am still sick, I am happy. Today is a gift no matter what I do. Thank you Lord for coconut, sunshine, my dear best friend and husband, and your grace that reminded me of how blessed I truly am.