Have you ever gone through something, or have something on your mind, but can't put it into words? Then, do you ever find the most perfect words you could have never thought of yourself, and yet they give life and a tangible explanation of your feelings?
All this to say, I found the most perfect quote today:
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis
This has been a crazy, strange, exciting, lovely, hard, ugly, tough, beautiful, and challenging year. (Yes, all of those adjectives and more.) Let me explain a few of these. First of all, it has been a lovely, beautiful and exciting year because I have begun the journey of marriage with my best friend, Trenton. Our first year has been unexpected, and yet my love for him has grown to deeper levels than I ever thought possible. Having your best friend by your side, and next to you in bed each night, is wonderful. I've always been a rather independent individual, so I never realized how much having someone there to talk to, lean on, and laugh with all the time could be so great. However, even though being married to Trent has made this year the best one of my life thus far, it has also been one of the most challenging years. First, we graduated college last May. Moving onto the "real world" was exciting and a bit scary. Then Trent and I moved to Holland because Trent planned to go to Seminary. After my first whirling and crazy semester as a teacher/ theatre director, and a tough first semester for Trenton, we had to reassess a little bit. We both felt as though Seminary wasn't feeling like the right fit for either of us. I think Trent had planned on feeling more excited about his classes and his potential work in a church, and yet he instead felt confused and disappointed. And I, having moved into Seminary housing, had planned on making new friends and feeling at home, and yet I just never did. So, together, Trent and I decided that Seminary was not right for us, so Trent un-enrolled after the first semester. This felt a bit scary and uncertain, but definitely felt right. After this, my second semester began, I picked up another class, and the craziest times of my theatre season began. I was gone most days for 12 or more hours. During this time, Trent was looking for a job. He had a hard time finding one for a long time and this began to really get him down. He felt lonely, uncertain, and frustrated. Finally a couple months later he found a job that gave every impression of being "perfect" for him. However, soon after, we again realized that this was most definitely not the place for him. His time there was tough and very challenging. It was hard on both of us. Recently Trent ended his time at this job and so now we have moved back into the job-searching area. On top of all of this we have been trying to decide were we would be moving to. We eventually landed on moving to Grand Rapids, which was a little bit hard for me at first. So that's where we are. I just finished my first year at HC, Trent is job-searching, and we are moving to GR. changes changes changes.
It was sometimes hard to not feel like failures or something, since Trent and I kept making so many changes this year. At times it may have looked to people like we just kept quitting and/or changing things because we simply didn't like them. It's hard to explain to each person that we did not make one single decision lightly, and that we truly felt, even though they were hard, that all of the changes were part of God's plan for us.
So here we are, coming on to another new part of this crazy first year of marriage, and I can't help feel like that C.S. Lewis quote is perfect. This year has been like crossing monkey bars. It has been tiring and taxing, but if we hadn't moved forward and grabbed the next bar, the next thing God was telling us, we would have never made it through.
Despite this being a tough year, 90% of the time all I have felt is joy. I feel so blessed to have supportive friends and a family that loves me. It feels amazing to have Trenton by my side. And most of all, I've got God who loves me and will never leave me.
So, needless to say, I am ready to get off of these monkey bars and to get into a place where things feel "normal" again (if that's even really possible :)). All I know is that no matter what, through tough changes and crazy times, God is good, all the time.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
mornings are my thin place
I am in love with the morning. It is by far the most beautiful, mysterious, and God-filled part of my day. I did not always love the morning, in fact I used to very much value sleeping in late. However, the older I get, the more I want to wake up with the sunrise.
This year, I have been waking up around 6:00 to get to work by 7:30 each day. This is more than enough time to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and have my coffee (boy, do i love coffee). I usually get in the car by 7:00 and drive to work. The funny thing is, my work if only about 5 minutes away.
After the first week of working this year, I realized that I did not need to be getting up quite so early, because I almost always have a half an hour to spare. But, during the week, to fill up that time, I found something that has quickly become the most special part of my day.
That first morning, full of extra time, I drove back to the old neighborhood where I grew up and went to one of my favorite places: The Fire Dock. I don't think that most Holland residents even know this place exists. But, over on Lake Macatawa, right before it forms into Pine Creek Bay, and right down the street from the adorable "Central Park Grocery Store", sits the old Fire Dock. It used to be a place where Holland City fire trucks would come to fill up their tanks with water. But now it is a public dock with two little benches. It is nestled in between two houses and at the end of a tiny dead-end road, so it feels like a secret. In reality, I am sure that many more people than I think are well acquainted with the Fire Dock, but I like to think of it as my little secret.
When I get there, around 7:10, the sun is just beginning to rise. The world around me is dark and the air is thick. It seems like it has been cold forever here in Michigan, but during this 20 minutes of my day, I do not mind the cold. As the sun rises, I see the world around me splash into color -deep pinks and purples and oranges. Everything feels excited, on fire, alive. It is in this moment when I am overwhelmed with God's splendor and glory and goodness. I see his creativity and decide that his favorite color must be pink, because everything looks so beautiful with this pink tint, and thank him for his creativity. I feel the worries of my upcoming day or week drift away in this moment and soak in all that this place, this sunrise, this God have for me.
In Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet, one of my absolute favorites, is where I learned about the concept of "thin places".Thin places are a Celtic idea that suggest that there are certain places in this world where the distance between Heaven and Earth, between God and His people, are thinner. In these places, we feel God and the presence of his Holy Spirit much stronger and more vividly. I absolutely think that mornings, particularly early mornings when the sun is rising at my little secret place, I am closer to my creator.
I am so thankful for this and for what I have discovered this year in my special place.
Here is a photo I took one particularly amazing morning:
This year, I have been waking up around 6:00 to get to work by 7:30 each day. This is more than enough time to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and have my coffee (boy, do i love coffee). I usually get in the car by 7:00 and drive to work. The funny thing is, my work if only about 5 minutes away.
After the first week of working this year, I realized that I did not need to be getting up quite so early, because I almost always have a half an hour to spare. But, during the week, to fill up that time, I found something that has quickly become the most special part of my day.
That first morning, full of extra time, I drove back to the old neighborhood where I grew up and went to one of my favorite places: The Fire Dock. I don't think that most Holland residents even know this place exists. But, over on Lake Macatawa, right before it forms into Pine Creek Bay, and right down the street from the adorable "Central Park Grocery Store", sits the old Fire Dock. It used to be a place where Holland City fire trucks would come to fill up their tanks with water. But now it is a public dock with two little benches. It is nestled in between two houses and at the end of a tiny dead-end road, so it feels like a secret. In reality, I am sure that many more people than I think are well acquainted with the Fire Dock, but I like to think of it as my little secret.
When I get there, around 7:10, the sun is just beginning to rise. The world around me is dark and the air is thick. It seems like it has been cold forever here in Michigan, but during this 20 minutes of my day, I do not mind the cold. As the sun rises, I see the world around me splash into color -deep pinks and purples and oranges. Everything feels excited, on fire, alive. It is in this moment when I am overwhelmed with God's splendor and glory and goodness. I see his creativity and decide that his favorite color must be pink, because everything looks so beautiful with this pink tint, and thank him for his creativity. I feel the worries of my upcoming day or week drift away in this moment and soak in all that this place, this sunrise, this God have for me.
In Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet, one of my absolute favorites, is where I learned about the concept of "thin places".Thin places are a Celtic idea that suggest that there are certain places in this world where the distance between Heaven and Earth, between God and His people, are thinner. In these places, we feel God and the presence of his Holy Spirit much stronger and more vividly. I absolutely think that mornings, particularly early mornings when the sun is rising at my little secret place, I am closer to my creator.
I am so thankful for this and for what I have discovered this year in my special place.
Here is a photo I took one particularly amazing morning:
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
when the answer is no.
Trent and I are in a time of major transition.
We were just starting to feel settled. Settled into our new (temporary) home at the seminary, settled into a new job, and settled into this whole married thing. Well if there is one thing that life has taught me so far, it's that settled feelings don't stay for long, and that's ok. And sure enough, things are changing. We have both agreed together that seminary is not the place for us right now. Not an easy choice, but one that felt so right for both of us. That being said, we need to make some huge changes. Trent is now looking, very fervently, for a job. We also are aware that we will need to find a new home within the next couple of months. It's hard because we can't know where we should live until we know where Trent will be working. Ah, the tricky cycles of life.
There was one job (among the literally dozens he has applied for) that he really wanted. Actually, we both really wanted it. I honestly was feeling like it was the job for him, for us. Everything about it seemed perfect for us, so we waited patiently through the Holidays to hear a word about it, one way or the other. Today we heard, it is a no. This was a hard email to recieve. Not just because the answer was no from the church that Trent applied at, but because I could feel God, in answer to our many prayers, saying, "No".
It is never a good feeling when God answers a prayer with, "No". All I can do is question and wonder and sit in confusion. Why God? Why did this seem so perfect? Why are you making us even more baffled now about where we should be? As I have asked God these questions, I have realized that it doesn't matter. I don't need to know why God said no.
God is so full of grace and has given us so much. So instead of feeling frustrated, I am going to do my best to be thankful. Thankful for what we have the and the beautiful beginnings to our married life. Thankful that I have a God who sticks with us, even closer in these uncertain times.
It is never fun or easy when the answer is no, but God has his reasons, and for this, I am thankful. We will keep searching and praying. We will explore our options. We will find our place. And through it, we will be thankful.
We were just starting to feel settled. Settled into our new (temporary) home at the seminary, settled into a new job, and settled into this whole married thing. Well if there is one thing that life has taught me so far, it's that settled feelings don't stay for long, and that's ok. And sure enough, things are changing. We have both agreed together that seminary is not the place for us right now. Not an easy choice, but one that felt so right for both of us. That being said, we need to make some huge changes. Trent is now looking, very fervently, for a job. We also are aware that we will need to find a new home within the next couple of months. It's hard because we can't know where we should live until we know where Trent will be working. Ah, the tricky cycles of life.
There was one job (among the literally dozens he has applied for) that he really wanted. Actually, we both really wanted it. I honestly was feeling like it was the job for him, for us. Everything about it seemed perfect for us, so we waited patiently through the Holidays to hear a word about it, one way or the other. Today we heard, it is a no. This was a hard email to recieve. Not just because the answer was no from the church that Trent applied at, but because I could feel God, in answer to our many prayers, saying, "No".
It is never a good feeling when God answers a prayer with, "No". All I can do is question and wonder and sit in confusion. Why God? Why did this seem so perfect? Why are you making us even more baffled now about where we should be? As I have asked God these questions, I have realized that it doesn't matter. I don't need to know why God said no.
God is so full of grace and has given us so much. So instead of feeling frustrated, I am going to do my best to be thankful. Thankful for what we have the and the beautiful beginnings to our married life. Thankful that I have a God who sticks with us, even closer in these uncertain times.
It is never fun or easy when the answer is no, but God has his reasons, and for this, I am thankful. We will keep searching and praying. We will explore our options. We will find our place. And through it, we will be thankful.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
today
I woke up this morning sick. But even worse, I woke up bitter. I was bitter because this is the second time in two weeks that I have, what seems like, the very same virus. I woke up bitter because I am sick of doing nothing, getting off track with my workouts, and eating a few crackers in a day. I woke up bitter because it is too cold and snowy to sit on my front porch with a cup of hot tea. I spent the majority of my day lying on the couch watching reruns on my laptop, taking my temperature, holding this fever against my body. Why can't I have a better immune system? Why can't I do what I had planned for this day? After I had wasted half my day from being annoyed and bitter I realized something. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I have to lie here in pajamas and greasy hair. I got up and showered, blow-dried my hair, and put on normal clothes. I went downstairs and put in a load of laundry and then did some dishes. And as I was washing dishes, something amazing happened. The subtle hint of coconut in the dish soap brought me back to that week in August when I drank piña coladas under the Mexican sun, my honeymoon. In that sacred moment, the day became beautiful. I was reminded of the blessing that awkward, beautiful, exciting week was and what it represented. I am married to my best friend. Trent is the greatest gift that I have been given and no matter what happens, I am blessed beyond words. After this realization, while standing at the sink with hot water running over my hands, I was content. I then realized the sun that was beginning to shine through the glistening snowflakes. God's grace brought me this moment and this realization. So although I am still sick, I am happy. Today is a gift no matter what I do. Thank you Lord for coconut, sunshine, my dear best friend and husband, and your grace that reminded me of how blessed I truly am.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)