a year, just the beginning of eternity

It's now been a year since the passing of my dear Grandpa Zwiep. He was truly a man of God. It was amazing to see, after he died, all of the people who he had impacted. At each visitation and at the funeral the rooms were overflowing with people. People who were there to support those of us who lost our dear grandpa, father, brother, or husband, and those who were there to mourn with us. But looking back on this year, and the way that God has worked in all of our lives, especially my Grandma's, I cannot help but sing praise to the Father in Heaven. Since I'm on this grace kick, I have seen the ultimate grace that was shown through my Grandpa's death. Grandpa went to Heaven to be with Jesus, his Lord, and there is no greater love or measure of grace than that. And now I am thinking of him, one year after seeing him in person for the last time, picturing him worshipping at the feet of his Father. What a beautiful picture to have. I will always miss him, and selfishly wish he could still be here with me, but I am so happy for him that he is no longer sick or in pain, but living forever in the presence of his King.

lukewarm

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth" (Revelation 3:15-16)

"Lukewarm Christianity" is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I think we tend to think of this as meaning either you love God and firmly believe in him or you don't; and as long as you do love him and believe in him you are "hot" and not lukewarm. But I'm realizing what Christianity is starting to become in our generation. The "cool" and "hip" churches these days are large "mega-churches" with coffee and jeans and an "anything goes" motto. This, I belive, is lukewarm. This notion that "anything goes" and you can be your own unique self and form and tweak Christianity to fit you, is precisely what I believe is alluded to in Revelation 3:15-16. We are becoming so obsessed with individualism and being different from everyone that we carry these beliefs into our faith as well. God's word and God's law are not something that are up for debate. There IS a one-size-fits-all approach because there is one truth. Forming the church and our faith experience to fit US is not what it is all about, we should try to shape ourselves to fit what God desires us to be. I am not trying to say that being an individual is a bad thing, I think it's wonderful to celebrate the uniqueness that God created in each one of us. I am also not trying to bash the big churches that are bringing in thousands of "seekers" because I am so glad that these people have a place where they feel comfortable to go. But for those of us who are sure of our faith, who know what we believe, and are striving to love the Lord with all our hearts, it's not about comfort. The second we get too comfortable we get lazy and we lose the ability to hear the Holy Spirit's nudging on our hearts.

So I am going to try. Try to fight the urge to settle in to the comfort of forming my faith around me. Try to listen to the Holy Spirit and acknowledge that my life constantly needs work and adjustment and study and learning. And I'm going to try to be honest, whether hot or cold, anything... but lukewarm.

grace in the thanks.

Today, I saw God's grace through 5 different stories from 5 individuals at my church. We had a special Thanksgiving service tonight at church and I had the privilege of being one of the singers at it. This meant that I got to sit up on stage and sing a song of Thankfulness in between 5 testimonies told by members of our church. I didn't expect to be moved so greatly by these testimonies, but the raw honesty and true seeking of God brought tears to my eyes multiple times. These were not necessarily all awful, heart wrenching stories of death and tragedy and great disaster, but rather common everyday hardships that many of us struggle with. The fact that these people, who were going through rough times, many of which were like things I or others around me have also experienced, made me realize something. These people were not there to ask for pity for these events, they were there to say thanks. They were thanking God for the place that these events had in their lives because they brought them closer to him. They said thanks to God for always being the consistency in their lives, and they said thanks to God for the ability to see these trials as blessings.
As I sat up on stage, waiting for each testimony to finish so that I could participate in leading the next song, I realized something. Thankfulness is grace. The fact that we are able to not only have things to be thankful for, but the fact that we are able to realize these as blessings and to thank God for them. Giving thanks is like therapy. It reminds me of all the things I really do have whether material possessions or relationships. It is like therapy because it takes the focus off of me and off of the gifts, and back to the Giver, God. I am especially excited for this years Thanksgiving because God has been working in me in new and wonderful ways in the past months, and this new sensitivity to seeing the grace around me has opened my eyes to the great multitude of grace that I have to be thankful for.
So, thanks God. Thanks for grace. And mostly, thanks for allowing me to acknowledge Thankfulness as what it truly is, recognition of grace.

the grace assignment

I have been meeting with a few girls every Sunday night for the past few weeks for a Bible study. This past week, one of our readings was on God's grace. We discussed how many things in our lives really are grace, everything in fact. We don't deserve anything, most of all our many blessings, because we are sinful people. And yet, whether we deserve it or not, God gives us blessings. Whether it be a tangible material thing or a moment with with a friend or stranger, or a myriad of other things. After discussing grace, we decided on an assignment for the week. At the end of the day, when we are lying in bed, we will look back on our days and discover as many of the gifts of grace that God gave us that we can find. The "grace assignment" made me begin really looking for grace, and I sure have found it.

Today, when I was meeting a friend for breakfast, I got frustrated that there was not a parking spot in the near vicinity of the restaurant. I eventually found a spot down the street and around the corner, near some residential houses. As I got out of my car, I looked up and saw someone walking past my door. I realized I recognized this person, it was a good friend that I had worked with at camp 2 summers ago, but hadn't seen since. Not only was it strange to see her at 7:15 in the morning on a Wednesday, but it was strange to see her, in a place I often go, after 2 years. As I walked away, feeling guilty for getting upset about such a silly thing as having to park down the street from the restaurant, I realized that I had just been given a gift. A light shooting through a dark morning. This was only a tiny start to my day and as the day went on I found many many gifts; moments of joy where I didn't expect to find joy. Because of the assignment that we gave at our bible study a few nights ago, I realized these were moments filled with God's grace. They were not just blessings, it was grace because I never deserved them in the first place.

It is really amazing what can happen when you begin to look for God's grace in the every day happenings of life. I can promise you that the more that you look, the more you will find, and the harder it will become to not want to shout, "Thank you Father!" multiple times in your day. I guess you could call our "grace assignment" a spiritual discipline, but I think I'm understanding why spiritual disciplines work, they open our eyes to God's hand all around us, and get us in the habit to see it constantly.

I hope I can make every week like this week, and keep practicing the grace assignment.

Little Women

Today I watched one of my absolute favorite movies, Little Women. As soon as my dear friend Tara and I put it into the dvd player, and the title screen music came on, I felt like crying. This is a movie that my mom and I have been watching every year, around the time that winter is starting, for as long as I can remember. There's something about the 5 March women that make me think that I was definitely born in the wrong era. Little Women takes place in Concord Massachusetts, which is already one of my very favorite places in this country, during the time of the transcendentalists. There is so much depth to the story and so much literature. The beauty of this story is the March family. They are 4 sisters, with their strong and courageous "marmee" and a father off at war. They are so close and care for each other deeply. Jo, the main character, is someone who I idolize. Even in this time, a time when women were inferior, just barely gaining suffrage, Jo cannot settle for anything less than following her dreams of becoming a writer. It's an inspiring story that makes me feel guilty for not taking advantage of the era that I live in, and the freedom and ability I have to do whatever my heart desires. I think I connect deeply with this story for a few reasons. First of all, family. My family is more important to me than just about anything on this earth. Secondly, literature: words and writing have such a valued place in the heart of the characters. Also, the way people treated each other, and the way you behaved. (I even love the dresses they wore). What to others may seem like a boring movie, or a dull, ordinary story, moves me deeply; and wakes something inside of me. Something that needs to remind her family how much they are loved. Something that needs to look at the world around her as a vessel full of opportunity. And something that needs to write, to get her words out, whatever they may be.

“Suppose... suppose we have only dreamed and made up these things like sun, sky, stars, and moon, and Aslan himself. In that case, it seems to me that the made-up things are a good deal better than the real ones. And if this black pits of a kingdom is the best you can make, then it's a poor world. And we four can make a dream world to lick your real one hollow... As for me, I shall live like a Narnian even if there isn't any Narnia. So thank you very much for supper. We're going to leave your court at once and make our way across your great darkness to search for our land above!”

-Puddlegum, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair

Isn't it interesting that we hate the hard times?

Ok, so that question answers itself. No, it's not interesting, it makes sense, the hard times are hard. But When did we ever learn something, I mean really learn something without going through something first, or making a mistake? Since we cannot stop the foreward motion of our lives, to get to that great mountain peak we have to go thru a valley, and even after the mountain we have to go down again. How often do we start taking for granted the mountain peak when it goes on for miles? How much sweeter does that peak feel after the valley before, and the steep climb it took to get up?

I think for the first time in my life I'm really starting to understand what James was talking about in James 1:2. It is so much better to get to that easy, nice place, after you've been through the rough times and you have grown and developed strength. It is so much easier to appreciate the good times after you've been through the rough.

Not to mention, in those hard times, that's where God is. We tend to be so much more in tune with God in those rough times, because that's when we actually remember we can't do anything on our own.

"...And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him"

-joy williams

My Father is omnipotent

Last night and today I was reminded of something: Anxiety, worry, fear... all sins. When I get anxious or worry about something it is like saying "God, you can't handle this, this is too much for me, too much for you, so therefore I'm going to stress out about it". How dare I worry when my Father in Heaven has proved over and over again how he can handle anything, and how he is so much more powerful than I can ever imagine. If I believe the Bible is 100% true, then I need to believe all of the verses that talk about how powerful he is, and how he promises to never leave me, are absolutely true. For the first time, last night, I had a panic attack. Never mind the reason why... but let's just say it was pretty irrational to be so worried and upset about it. I knew deep down it would be ok, but my mind kept telling me that these crazy, irrational things were going to happen, and got to the point where I literally couldn't catch my breath. My God is so much bigger than the futile thing that I was stressing over. I really need to work on my worrying problem, and remember that I have a good shepherd who comforts the weary and the weak.

~Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. (1 Pet 5.6-7)

~I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Ps 18.1-2)

~Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6)

~And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Rom 8.28)

re-adjustments

I'm amazed at how quickly I have been able to jump back into my "normal" life... I just got home from a trip to Israel less than a week ago and I am already feeling fully re-adjusted to our time-zone, and comfortable picking up where I left off...
My trip was incredible. It was incredibly challenging in a physical sense, and incredibly enlightening into Jewish culture, First Century living, and a deeper understanding of the character of the God that I serve and love. It wasn't one of those; spiritual high, fall on your knees and cry out, rock your world for the weeks that you're there type of experience for me. For me it was a steady gaining of knowledge, understanding, and appreciation. Knowledge of Jewish culture, and the lifestyle that a Jew would have a lived in the first Century. Understanding of why the Bible, and Jesus in particular, use certain things as symbols, and an understanding of how Jesus fulfilled every prophecy and every promise from God. And an appreciation for the intense, passionate love that the Triune God has for us.
And yet with my new-found knowledge, understanding, and appreciation, I'm having a hard time knowing exactly how this should translate in my life back home. In Kelly. I have a much better picture of how Jesus lived his life, but in my life today, how can I mirror this? It is much harder than I expected to transform the areas in my life that were brought to light as needing some t.l.c while I was on the trip. It's much easier to just settle back in to the old way, the comfortable way, that I was living.
I guess the one thing, and I suppose I should take this as at least some progress, is that I am more sensitive to the times and opportunities that I should be entering Shephelah and being a city on a hill. I think my conscience has gotten stronger when it comes to showing those around me who don't know Jesus, how he might have reacted. I'm not saying I'm always good at it, but it's going somewhere.
For now I have to keep praying and reading. I know that God gave me this trip for a reason and I know that I have the ability to let this change my life for the better. Here I go :)

farewell

Farewell to the play.

I just finished my directorial debut as a director of Holland Christian's Much Ado About Nothing. It has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life! The cast that I had the opportunity to work with was amazing. I just can't begin to describe, to anyone outside of this production, what it was like to work with them. The way that they treat, and love each other. The way that they are obviously doing this to glorify the God that they truly are seeking to grow closer with. The way that they are so incredibly dedicated, and have worked themselves to the bone. And the way that they have welcomed me with open arms. I was incredibly nervous when this whole process started. Feeling like I am still very close to their age, and I have no experience as a director, and I just didn't really know any of them going into this, were all of the things that were causing me to doubt, at the beginning, whether or not I was capable of this. Looking back on the first few practices, I remember feeling like I might actually throw up because I was so nervous. Comparing those first practices to how comfortable I feel now with the entire cast is like night and day. I love them all so much. I am so so so beyond thankful for the chance I got to do this. Not only was it a blast, and not only will it look amazing on a resume, but it was a blessing to be encouraged, impressed, and amazed daily by the students of this cast.
I am going to miss this, and all of them, sooo much!

Thank you Jesus for this awesome gift that I was given.
Yay for the theatre!

work.

I was sort of dreading today.

I was so sleepy last night, that thinking about the craziness of today made me feel nervous and not so excited. However, despite my poor attitude and pessimism, I was pleasantly surprised by the way the day ended up.

It started out with a four hour shift at the small clothing and shoe store that I work at. I opened the store with my manager and he gave me a project to work on right away. This project kept me busy for the first two hours of my shift. Then, we received about 13 boxes from the fed-ex guy and went to work on entering that into the computer. Then for the last hour of my shift, my brother came in for the beginning of his shift. As I was steaming the new shirts and dresses that we got in today, I was able to catch up with him for a while.
It may sound strange that these things made my shift today an exceptionally good shift, but I am very thankful for the way things turned out! Sometimes I think that working is going to ruin my day, when it usually ends up holding some of the best parts of it! I am so incredibly blessed to have the job I do. Not only because it is a job (in this economy...), but also because I have some of the most kind, generous, hard-working bosses in the entire world. (not to mention I get to work with my brother, who just happens to be one of my very best friends!)

After working there, I quick went home to grab some lunch and to send a few emails... When I got home, lunch was already sitting out for me, prepared lovingly by my mother. It has been so nice being home the last few weeks, I'm not used to having someone cook and clean for me! It's something that I don't take for granted near as much as I used to!

Next I went onto play practice. With the performance in just a couple of short days, I was feeling very nervous about the way practice would go today. I was so surprised when everyone in the cast rose to the occasion and put on a decent performance! They are all working so incredibly hard, and it is one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever been able to be a part of!

I was able to finish the day by having dinner and relaxing with my best friend.

So... I wasn't excited about today. I wasn't excited to work at my job, and then to go work some more at play practice. However, like I said, even with that poor attitude that I entered the day with, God transformed everything and gave me an exceptional day!
God's pretty amazing like that. Despite our constant sinful nature (that I give into far far too often) He still showers his grace upon us and gives us more blessings than we could ever begin to deserve.

Thanks God.