heart

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate
for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

ee cummings

25 days.

25 until I am a wife. This is possibly the craziest thing that has ever happened. I can hardly believe that in less than four short weeks I will be Kelly Elders and will be forming a new family with Trent. It's pretty amazing - the way that God created us. Since I was a little girl I have played "house" and dreamed of having my own place with the man I love. I knew he was out there but for years there was just a blurry cloud where his face was.
As soon as I met Trent I knew something amazing was coming. You can ask my close friends, this guy was different. There wasn't necessarily anything profound at first, just a feeling. But as I got to know him, I came to find that Trent was the sweetest, most caring, curious, eager, and loving individual that I had come across. I think I figured out pretty early on that Trent was the man that God had created for me.
Wow. What a lucky woman I am. What an incredible man. I feel so unbelievably blessed to be marrying my best friend. And I can hardly believe that it is happening so soon.
I can only hope and pray that Trent and I love and serve each other to the best of our abilities and that we always find our joy in the Lord.
I love you Trenton, and I can't wait to be yours, in 25 days.

hot beverages

Mmm, there is nothing better than hot beverages. Anything from hot tea to apple cider; from cocoa to coffee. What is it about a hot beverage that makes it so much more charming than a cold one? Even as I write this I'm drinking cranberry apple tea and it is warming me, and in more than just a physical sense. This may sound a little crazy, but it is things like hot beverages that bring me comfort. I am one of those people who loves rainy days, fuzzy blankets, and crackling candle-light. I love reading long romantic books and getting up early just to enjoy the cool morning. There is obviously nothing wrong with this but lately I've realized that those moments of my day, the "ideal" moments where I am curled up drinking tea and reading, are the moments that satisfy me and keep me going. To get through long days I allow myself little breaks. Moments where I can enjoy whatever I want. But I've come to realize I'm leaving something out.

Along with these moments are parts of my day that I dread but I force myself to do. exercising is one of these things. If I don't do it first thing in the morning I won't do it at all, so lately I'll drag myself out of bed and go for a run. It is definitely satisfying afterwards, but I rarely look forward to it before. I think I have put devotions into this category for me. If I don't force myself to do them, I won't. If I'm not very intentional about it, I will pick up Jane Eyre and a cup of coffee instead.
How ridiculous is it that those romantic little moments that I mentioned, that I live for and look forward to each day, are pulling me away from the one true satisfying thing? This is a busy summer for me and a time of HUGE changes. Why can't I turn to the one thing that will always still constant and continue to fulfill me no matter what?
I want to push through this patch and make my time with God even more idolized in my life than my good books and hot beverages. I need to seek out him first and foremost and the rest of my days will fall into place.
Hot beverages are wonderful, but tonight, with my tea and candle-light, I am going to spend some time with my God.

old friends. the best.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one" - C.S. Lewis

There is only one thing greater than sharing a good evening with friends and that is sharing a good evening with old friends. What a blessing it is to reunite after years apart and realize that although we're changing and growing, we're still very much the same. What a charity to find people in this sea of humans surrounding us, that are so much like ourselves and can share our pains and joys because they feel the same things we feel. What a gift to look into a friends eyes and know exactly what she is thinking or feeling because you've felt it too. What a joy to say nothing at all or to talk until your throat is sore, but either way connecting. I love my dear old friends. They've known me forever and still love me. They've seen me grow and still understand my heart.

So to you, dear friends, welcome back. Welcome back into my life. I love sharing my thoughts and feelings and my cares and concerns. I love sharing laughter, oh so much laughter. I promise you that no matter where we end up, or if we go years without being together again, I will always love you, care about you, and pray for you. I know that you will do amazing things, and I can't wait to see you take on this crazy world.

You bless me more than you know.
So thankful for you,
kelly.

a year, just the beginning of eternity

It's now been a year since the passing of my dear Grandpa Zwiep. He was truly a man of God. It was amazing to see, after he died, all of the people who he had impacted. At each visitation and at the funeral the rooms were overflowing with people. People who were there to support those of us who lost our dear grandpa, father, brother, or husband, and those who were there to mourn with us. But looking back on this year, and the way that God has worked in all of our lives, especially my Grandma's, I cannot help but sing praise to the Father in Heaven. Since I'm on this grace kick, I have seen the ultimate grace that was shown through my Grandpa's death. Grandpa went to Heaven to be with Jesus, his Lord, and there is no greater love or measure of grace than that. And now I am thinking of him, one year after seeing him in person for the last time, picturing him worshipping at the feet of his Father. What a beautiful picture to have. I will always miss him, and selfishly wish he could still be here with me, but I am so happy for him that he is no longer sick or in pain, but living forever in the presence of his King.

lukewarm

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth" (Revelation 3:15-16)

"Lukewarm Christianity" is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I think we tend to think of this as meaning either you love God and firmly believe in him or you don't; and as long as you do love him and believe in him you are "hot" and not lukewarm. But I'm realizing what Christianity is starting to become in our generation. The "cool" and "hip" churches these days are large "mega-churches" with coffee and jeans and an "anything goes" motto. This, I belive, is lukewarm. This notion that "anything goes" and you can be your own unique self and form and tweak Christianity to fit you, is precisely what I believe is alluded to in Revelation 3:15-16. We are becoming so obsessed with individualism and being different from everyone that we carry these beliefs into our faith as well. God's word and God's law are not something that are up for debate. There IS a one-size-fits-all approach because there is one truth. Forming the church and our faith experience to fit US is not what it is all about, we should try to shape ourselves to fit what God desires us to be. I am not trying to say that being an individual is a bad thing, I think it's wonderful to celebrate the uniqueness that God created in each one of us. I am also not trying to bash the big churches that are bringing in thousands of "seekers" because I am so glad that these people have a place where they feel comfortable to go. But for those of us who are sure of our faith, who know what we believe, and are striving to love the Lord with all our hearts, it's not about comfort. The second we get too comfortable we get lazy and we lose the ability to hear the Holy Spirit's nudging on our hearts.

So I am going to try. Try to fight the urge to settle in to the comfort of forming my faith around me. Try to listen to the Holy Spirit and acknowledge that my life constantly needs work and adjustment and study and learning. And I'm going to try to be honest, whether hot or cold, anything... but lukewarm.

grace in the thanks.

Today, I saw God's grace through 5 different stories from 5 individuals at my church. We had a special Thanksgiving service tonight at church and I had the privilege of being one of the singers at it. This meant that I got to sit up on stage and sing a song of Thankfulness in between 5 testimonies told by members of our church. I didn't expect to be moved so greatly by these testimonies, but the raw honesty and true seeking of God brought tears to my eyes multiple times. These were not necessarily all awful, heart wrenching stories of death and tragedy and great disaster, but rather common everyday hardships that many of us struggle with. The fact that these people, who were going through rough times, many of which were like things I or others around me have also experienced, made me realize something. These people were not there to ask for pity for these events, they were there to say thanks. They were thanking God for the place that these events had in their lives because they brought them closer to him. They said thanks to God for always being the consistency in their lives, and they said thanks to God for the ability to see these trials as blessings.
As I sat up on stage, waiting for each testimony to finish so that I could participate in leading the next song, I realized something. Thankfulness is grace. The fact that we are able to not only have things to be thankful for, but the fact that we are able to realize these as blessings and to thank God for them. Giving thanks is like therapy. It reminds me of all the things I really do have whether material possessions or relationships. It is like therapy because it takes the focus off of me and off of the gifts, and back to the Giver, God. I am especially excited for this years Thanksgiving because God has been working in me in new and wonderful ways in the past months, and this new sensitivity to seeing the grace around me has opened my eyes to the great multitude of grace that I have to be thankful for.
So, thanks God. Thanks for grace. And mostly, thanks for allowing me to acknowledge Thankfulness as what it truly is, recognition of grace.